


Love Is Complicated

by Levi_Phantomhive



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Bisexual Eddie Diaz, Bisexual Evan "Buck" Buckley, Eddie doesn’t like feelings, Eddie is still in therapy, Falling In Love, Falling in love with your best friend, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Getting Together, Light Angst, Love Confessions, M/M, Reckless Evan “Buck” Buckley, Therapy, Worried Eddie Diaz, buck/eddie - Freeform, buddie, feelings are hard
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-03-02
Updated: 2020-03-06
Packaged: 2021-02-27 21:54:46
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 5,724
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22992796
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Levi_Phantomhive/pseuds/Levi_Phantomhive
Summary: One of my all time favorite Buddie head-canons is Eddie coming to terms with his feelings for Buck through sessions with Frank. This is going to be at least two parts. The first part is Eddie coming to terms with his feelings and part two onwards will be having them talk it out and get together.
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV)
Comments: 26
Kudos: 159





	1. Part One

_Love is complicated_

_Love is giving someone the ability to destroy you, but trusting them not to._

_It’s an all consuming force that, most often, we don’t see coming. Even if all the signs were there. Just one day, you realize this person who has been such an integral part of your life suddenly means more to you than they did yesterday. Or now you are actively aware of it. You don’t want things to change but you also don’t know how to go about as if everything is the same. You do want things to change. You’re just afraid that things might change in a negative way._

_You loved the relationship the way it was. But now that you are aware of love, you wish it was more. You wish it was all consuming and all it could be. And you weigh the pros and cons of voicing your revelations._

_Sometimes, you find, the risk is worth taking._

_____Eddie sat on the couch in Franks office, fidgeting with his hands. He wasn’t sure he was ready for the conversation they were inevitably going to have. But Eddie also felt like he needed to have it._ _ _ _ _

_____“So, Eddie. Have you thought about what we talked about last time? Why you were so hard on Buck during his lawsuit?”_ _ _ _ _

_____“Yes.”_ _ _ _ _

_____“And? What did you discover?”_ _ _ _ _

_____“I think you know.”_ _ _ _ _

_____“Perhaps. But it’s not my place to speak for you, Eddie. And voicing things out loud is, sometimes, one of the best and easiest forms of therapy.”_ _ _ _ _

_____Eddie sighed. He knew Frank was right. He was just being unnecessarily difficult because he was uncomfortable. He was never good with sharing. Even with Buck it took awhile. “I guess…I guess I was putting Buck into a role I had no right putting him. At least without talking to him first. I was treating him like my partner, my co-parent. Not my best friend. And…when he filed that stupid lawsuit…it…it felt like he abandoned me. Us. Just like Shannon did.”_ _ _ _ _

_____“And why do you think you were putting Buck in that role in your life?”_ _ _ _ _

_____Eddie took another calming breath. “Because…I…I think I’m in love with my best friend. I think I have been for awhile and didn’t want to risk ruining our friendship by actually acknowledging it.”_ _ _ _ _

_____Frank nodded. “That’s good, Eddie. When did these feelings start? And did this start with an attraction to Buck? Or did the attraction come after you grew close? Or is there a physical attraction at all?”_ _ _ _ _

_____“Well. I mean, Buck’s hot. I guess the physical attraction’s always been there. We did start off our work partnership competing for a hot firefighter calendar. I may not have really ever talked about being…bisexual…even with Buck. But I’ve been aware I’ve been bi since I was a teenager. We also have a pretty tactile friendship…”_ _ _ _ _

_____Eddie paused, feeling his face heat up. He doesn’t talk this openly. Even with Buck it’s only happened a few times. But talking was lifting some of the weight he felt inside. “And…I think my feelings for Buck started when he went out of his way to bring Carla in to help with Christopher’s care and get through all the red tape with his school. And it just grew from there. All the movie nights, all the trips to the park, all the times Buck has gone out of his way to bring Chris to the station when I couldn’t get someone to watch him for the day. Just everything. Buck treats Chris like his own. He goes out of his way to be there. And then during the tsunami…Buck risked his life to make sure Chris was ok. I know he still feels guilty and feels like he let Chris down, but neither of us see it that way. Chris sees him as the hero who saved his life and I…”_ _ _ _ _

_____Eddie paused once again, this time tears stinging the corners of his eyes. “I…see a man who was willing to risk everything to save my son. I told Buck there was no one in this world I trust more with my son than him. And I meant it. As a parent, letting people into my life is hard. I don’t want to bring someone in, have Chris get attached, and then it doesn’t work out. Plus, not everyone understands that my son comes first. But Buck. Buck has become an important part of both our lives. He knows Chris comes first, hell he puts him first too. I’d say he loves my son nearly as much as I do.” A few tears now escaped, slowly falling down Eddie’s face. “I’m not sure I’ve even felt this way about Shannon and she was Christopher’s mother. I hate to say that because…because…” His voice cracked, the raw emotion he was feeling coming through._ _ _ _ _

_____“Eddie, there’s no need to feel bad about what you’re feeling. You and Shannon made a wonderful child. But that doesn’t mean you two were in love or didn’t fall out of love. A lot of people feel they need to try to love someone for the sake of someone else, but that’s unhealthy and will only cause more problems in the long run. It would be better to have an amicable and healthy relationship as friends over a miserable marriage. The love you felt for Shannon and the love you feel for Buck isn’t going to be the same.” Eddie nodded, his gaze moved to look at the floor. He knew Frank made perfect sense but his guilt wouldn’t go away over night. “I also think that, with Buck, you express more vulnerability than you might have with Shannon. Buck can make you feel safe in a way perhaps Shannon couldn’t. Which also adds to the difference in the relationships.”_ _ _ _ _

_____“I definitely feel vulnerable with Buck. I don’t think anyone’s ever been able to read me as well as he does…” Eddie felt his face heat up once again. That admission sort of just slipped. Frank gave him a gentle smile, waiting for Eddie to continue. “But that’s what makes this so hard. How can I think about saying anything to Buck when I have no idea if he feels the same? I couldn’t imagine risking the place he has in our lives now. How could I do that to Chris? I mean Buck’s been a bit flirty with me here and there but he’s kind of just a flirt? And yet, not saying anything has been torture lately…” He let out a breath he didn’t know he’d been holding._ _ _ _ _

_____“You mentioned earlier that you and Buck have a pretty tactile friendship. What did you mean by that?”_ _ _ _ _

_____Eddie raised his eyes from the floor at the question, eyebrows raised in confusion. “Uh. Well. We…touch a lot.” Eddie flushed once more at the implication of his own words. “I mean…We are in each other’s space a lot. Probably sitting closer than we need to on a couch or in the rig. Touching shoulders or knees, comforting touches, hugs…just very…tactile.”_ _ _ _ _

_____“Are either of you this way with others?”_ _ _ _ _

_____“I’m definitely not. Just Chris. I honestly am not the biggest fan of people in my space. But I’ve never really minded Buck in it. And…I’ve come to realize I really like the tactileness we’ve developed.”_ _ _ _ _

_____“And Buck?”_ _ _ _ _

_____“Well. He’s more physical than I am, in general. But I guess he really isn’t as touchy with everyone else as he is with me…now that I think about it…but why does that matter?”_ _ _ _ _

_____“Maybe for Buck there’s more to being in your space than you think? If you’re the only one he’s that tactile with? You’re scared to tell him how you feel. But if Buck feels the same, whose to say he isn’t scared too? I doubt he likes the idea of potentially losing the two of you. Neither of you have talked about your sexuality with each other. If Buck is flirting and he isn’t straight, from you’ve said, he hasn’t talked to you about it. So Maybe the flirting and tactile behavior is his way of testing the waters._ _ _ _ _

_____“Or it’s just Buck being Buck.” Eddie let out a frustrated sigh._ _ _ _ _

_____“Well now that you have acknowledged your feelings. And started to process them. The next step would be talking to Buck about them. From what you’ve told me about him, I wouldn’t be too afraid of losing him. He seems to care a lot about you and your son. I know you’re scared. And that’s ok. But it will eat away at you if you don’t eventually talk to him.”_ _ _ _ _

_____Eddie gave a dry laugh, “I think we’re past the part where it eats away at me..” He buried his face in his hands. “I can’t even look at Buck lately without wanting to either just grab him and kiss him or blurt out ‘I love you’ and bury my face into his shoulder..” Eddie couldn’t believe he just said that. Buck really brought out the feelings in him, and he wasn’t even here._ _ _ _ _

_____“All the more reason to talk to him. Just…think about it, ok? And talk to him when you’re ready.”_ _ _ _ _

_____Eddie gave a small nod. He wasn’t sure he could do it but he knew he’d have to one way or another._ _ _ _ _


	2. Part Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Here is part two! Where they actually have the conversation about feelings. There might be a part three for an epilogue of them finishing the talk and getting to be an actual couple.

It had been about two weeks since Eddie admitted his feelings for Buck to Frank. And he still hasn’t gotten the nerve to actually talk to Buck. He knows he has to or it will come out one way or another. He knows that. 

But he still…he still just can’t bring himself to say the words. He can’t say, Buck I need to tell you something and I need you to listen. He can’t say, I think…no…I know I am in love with you and I have been for awhile. He can’t say, I want you to co-parent Christopher with me. All those words are right there, right on the verge of spilling out but he just…can’t; once again reminding Eddie why he hates feelings. 

And Buck isn’t stupid. He knows something is up with Eddie even if he doesn’t know what. He knows Buck has noticed his more pensive behavior, how he has been talking and engaging less at work, how even during pizza night with Chris, Eddie is slightly more withdrawn. Eddie can see it in Buck’s face when he looks at him, concern swimming in those baby blues. Not to mention the straight up “Hey man, you ok?’s” and “You know I’ve always got your back, right?’s” at least once or twice a week. To which Eddie responds with, “Yeah, fine.” And “Yeah, Buck, I know.” And Buck doesn’t push, or hasn’t yet, but his disbelief is clearly evident. 

And Eddie feels terrible, he really does. He knows Buck probably feels like he did something wrong because he feels things more than anyone Eddie has ever known, save for maybe his son. He wants to reassure his best friend, that no, it’s not anything Buck did but Eddie’s own stupid inability to talk about how he feels, but again…he can’t. And boy does he feel like a coward. He’s even avoided the topic all together in his last session with Frank because he knows he will just tell him to talk to Buck. 

So now Eddie has become a frustrated ball of stress, all his own doing. He was lying in bed letting out frustrated sighs that were borderline screams into his pillow, traitorous tears escaping, when he was surprised by the sound of Christopher’s voice. 

“Daddy…are you..ok?”

Eddie felt frozen. He’s always told Chris not to lie if he’s not feeling ok but he’s an adult. He’s his father. There’s some things you just don’t tell your kids or at least not when they are eight years old. 

“Hey, Superman. Why aren’t you in bed?”  
His tone was gentle as he reached out to ruffle his sons hair. The last thing he wanted was to worry his son. Again. 

“I was thirsty. And…I heard something…and then I saw you looked sad.”

“I’m sorry, Mijo. I’m ok.”

“You said it’s ok…to be sad.”

“I’m not…sad, Mijo. It’s..” Eddie paused, unsure how to give Chris a satisfactory answer without telling him too much. “I…I want to tell Bucky something but I’m not sure how. I promise it’s not that I’m sad, I’m just confused.”

Chris seemed to be thinking very hard at his words. “Why don’t you…just…tell Bucky? Bucky is nice.” 

Eddie had to try very hard not to break into frustrated laughter. He envied his sons childhood innocence. “Because, Mijo…sometimes…sometimes adults…are afraid of change. And if I told Bucky…I’m just not sure how things would change.”

Chris crinkled his eyebrows in thought. He was clearly taking this seriously. Eddie really didn’t want this conversation to happen with his eight year old son but he also doesn’t want him to think he’s lying or hiding things so here he was trying to set a good example and be honest with the least amount of information as possible. 

“Why are you…afraid of change?”

“Because the change could be bad.”

“But it could be good. Bucky is good.” He paused his brows crinkling once more, “You should make…Bucky a…card.” There was no doubt in his sons tone. It was firm and decisive. He had to smile at that. 

“I’ll think about it, Mijo. But for now you need to get back to bed, ok?”

“Okay. Love you, Dad.”

“Love you too, Superman.” 

Midway into Eddie’s third week of putting off his feelings he was starting to think Chris’s idea of using a card or rather writing Buck a letter wasn’t such a bad idea. He could slip it under Bucks apartment door and run. But no, that probably wasn’t an appropriate way to do this. Eddie was also about to be backed into a corner but he just didn’t know it yet. 

They were out on a call that wasn’t exactly easy to begin with but was going alright. Buck and Eddie went into a burning duplex and all seemed to be going fine, no problems. Until they exited the building. Eddie was carrying a young boy so he rushed the child over to Cap, Hen, and Chim. Buck was supposed to be right behind him but after setting the boy down and turning back to make sure his partner was there he found he wasn’t. What he saw was Buck running back into a duplex that was no longer structurally sound and still burning. 

“Buck!!” On instinct he moved to follow but felt strong arms restraining him. He tried to fight his way free but the arms grew tighter. 

“Eddie! Eddie, No!”

The voice was Cap but he was having a hard time focusing on him. All he could think about was Buck. He was starting to have trouble breathing, somewhere in him registering that meant he was beginning to have a panic attack. 

“I have to…! I can’t let him..! Let me go!”

He fought harder but Cap was having none of that. “No! That’s an order! Buck can take care of himself and I’m not letting anyone back into that house until that fire is under control. We will call out and if he doesn’t respond we can reevaluate!” He used his grip on Eddie to use his radio. “Buckley, respond!”

“Good — found — girl — out — door.” Buck was cutting out but they got enough to keep Cap from excessive worrying. Eddie not so much. If Cap wasn’t holding him he probably would have collapsed. He normally wasn’t so reactive to Buck being in danger but again his lack of dealing with feelings is getting the better of him. 

And boy was Eddie about to have a heart attack. The building was starting to collapse and Eddie was full on panic mode because he still couldn’t see Buck. Finally. Finally, after what seemed like an eternity to Eddie, Buck came into view coming from around back. He had a small girl in his arms. Hen rushed to meet them and Eddie broke free of Cap, maybe a little too rough, and rushed towards his partner. Eddie didn’t see Cap motion for Chim to stay where he was or see Hen move back towards Chim with the girl. 

Buck must have seen the panic all over Eddie’s face because he began an apology “Eddie, I’m sorry. I thought I heard something…a call for help. I just couldn’t…I had to. You would have done the same thing—” 

Eddie cut him off as he approached, giving a a cursory once over for any signs of injury then moved to gently put his hands to his neck to check vitals and pupil response. Later Eddie would feel like he definitely over reacted but in the moment he felt justified. “Why didn’t you call out to me!? We could have gone back in there together! But instead you just run in alone?! How can I have your back if you—”

This time Buck cut Eddie off, “Eddie, man, breath. I’m ok.” He paused to grab the hands still resting on his neck. “Nothing collapsed on us, I stayed low, even breathing wasn’t too bad. We got out before the collapse. I’m sorry I went in alone.” He paused, looking down, “I guess that wasn’t very smart of me.” Looking back to Eddie now, “And I’m sorry I worried you.” Eddie gave a small nod, eyes now avoiding Buck. Now that he was calming down some he was starting to feel guilty about his over panic. 

“Buckley, Diaz. Let’s go. The 120 has the fire under control. And the kids are stable and ready to move.” 

Both men gave Cap a nod of acknowledgement and ran back to the truck. Work mode taking over. And if Eddie crowded Buck’s space as they sat it remained unspoken. 

The rest of their shift was pretty uneventful but Eddie was still pretty tense. Maddie had shown up to see Buck about something which gave Eddie the perfect chance to slip away. He was almost to his truck when Cap approached him. 

“Do you want to talk about earlier?”

“Not particularly. Sorry if I was a little…rough.”

“It’s ok. You good? I’ve only seen you like that once.”

“Yeah, Cap. I’m good. It won’t happen again.”

“That’s not what I’m worried about, Eddie.” 

“I appreciate the concern but I’m good, really. I gotta get home to Chris.” He knew it was low to use his son but who’s gonna question that?

“Okay. Well I’m here if you change your mind.”

Eddie gave a small smile and nod before getting in his truck. When he got home he let out a breath he didn’t know he was holding. Chris would be home soon and he needed to get it together before then. He decided a hot shower couldn’t hurt, maybe relax him a little. Going over the events today, it felt like that wasn’t even him reacting the way he did. He ran his hands through his hair, still feeling like a frustrated ball of stress. Well at least stress is a feeling he’s familiar with. Done with his shower, he dressed in some gray sweats and an old army t-shirt to wait for Carla to bring Chris home. 

About an hour later Eddie and Chris were on maybe the third episode of the new season of We Bare Bears when Eddie heard the front door unlock. That could only mean his Abuela or Buck and he’s pretty sure it wasn’t the former. And just as he thought Buck walked in, pizza in hand. 

“Hey! How’s my favorite Diaz?” He said winking at Eddie and making Chris giggle.

“Bucky!!” He got up from the couch to go run to Buck.

“Hey, Superman!” Putting the pizza down on the kitchen table, he picked Chris up to spin him around in a hug. It made Eddie smile and his chest tighten. 

“And what brings you here, with pizza no less?” Eddie tried you keep his tone light. But he should have expected Buck to show up after today. 

“Well…heh…ah. I just figured maybe…movie night would be fun?”

“We just had movie night. You’re checking up on me.” He smiled, he couldn’t help it. Knowing Buck cared so much. 

Buck laughed, “Yeah ok. Maybe. Even Cap looked extra worried about you. And it’s not like I came empty handed. I brought pizza. Also as kind of a peace offering.” He gave Eddie a sheepish grin. 

Now is when Eddie’s procrastinating was going to bite him in the butt. He loved his son but sometimes kids can really throw you under the bus. “Bucky…did daddy talk to you..?”

Eddie’s eyes widened in shock. And so did Buck’s. “Uh. About what, Buddy?” Of all the things Buck could ask. Eddie could already feel his face heating up. 

“I’m not sure…but Daddy said…he wanted to talk to you…about something. And something about change being scary.”

Buck looked to Eddie a little confused and Eddie looked pretty mortified. “Ah no, Chris. He hasn’t. But think you can go in the living room and maybe your dad and I can have that talk?” Buck had the nerve to be smiling. 

“Okay.” He wiggled out Buck’s arms, then looked at his dad. “Remember Bucky is…nice, Dad.” Eddie could see Buck hold back a small laugh at that. 

Once Chris was safely in the living room and they were alone in the kitchen, Buck asked, “So. What’s the Superman talking about? Does this have anything to do with your…off behavior lately? And…today?”

Eddie couldn’t look at Buck. This was not how he had thought this would go. “Kinda.”

“I’m gonna need more than that, Eddie.” His tone was softer, probably hoping to encourage Eddie. 

“I know.”

“You’ve never…had a panic attack on a call before.” Eddie remained silent. “What did Chris mean, you’re afraid of change?” He decided to move more into Eddie’s space, “What change, about us, would you be afraid of?” 

Eddie could feel tears stinging the corners of his eyes. Buck seemed to notice, bringing a hand to his face to gently brush away the ones that fell. “Eddie?”

“I’m afraid, because…because…what’s changed is how I feel. And…I’m afraid of losing you because of it.”

Buck’s eyes widened, tears of his own forming. “Eddie, nothing in this world means more to me than you and Christopher. You won’t lose me.” After a short pause, Buck asked, “Changed how?” Eddie chanced a glance up at Buck and he saw he wasn’t the only nervous one. 

“Well. I think you could guess.”

“And you know I need to hear it…”

“I had to…think about why I was so hard on you, during the lawsuit. And I realized it was because I wasn’t treating you like my best friend. I was expecting more from you than I should have. And it was because my feelings for you… were no longer just friendship feelings.” Eddie was back to looking on the floor, face feeling extremely hot. “Estoy enamorado de ti, Evan.”

Buck rested his forehead against Eddie’s, his one hand still softly grasping his face. “I’m glad you’re not just avoiding me.” He gave a small laugh, “I never really thought you’d see me that way. After the tsunami, when you told me there’s no one you trusted more with Chris, I..something changed for me too. Well, I registered the change. And I started to think maybe something could be different. But it’s not like I have a good track record of people staying in my life so…I kinda just figured friends was better than driving you away like everyone else.” Buck paused, “I guess, I’m saying I love you too.” He used the hand still on Eddie’s face to pull him close, enough to softly kiss him. 

“Does this mean…Bucky can move..in with us now?”

Both men jumped at the sound of Christopher’s voice. Eddie laughed, “Mijo, there’s a lot Bucky and I still need to talk about. And I thought WE talked about eavesdropping?” He turned to give his son a mock stern look. 

“Sorry, dad. But I told you Bucky was nice.”

“Yeah, Eddie. I’m nice.” He was smirking now. 

“Nice people don’t brag that they’re nice.” That got a laugh out of Buck. 

“Can we have…pizza nowww?”

“Sure, Superman.” Eddie was right, they still had a lot to talk about but Buck couldn’t help but give the other man a loving smile. Eddie grabbed plates and napkins while Buck grabbed the pizza and slipped an arm around Eddie’s waist, “I mean it, Eddie. There’s nowhere I’d rather be than here with you and Chris.” He gave him a quick kiss on the cheek before detaching himself from Eddie, taking the plates and napkins from him, and moving to the living room with a waiting Christopher. Eddie watched Buck set the coffee table, loving how natural this felt. At least he didn’t feel so afraid anymore. Love might be complicated but sometimes, with the right person, it’s definitely worth it.


	3. Part Three

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is takes place during the same night as the end of part two and is the continuation of the talk they needed to have.

Eddie couldn’t focus on anything the rest of the night. He and Buck still had so much to talk about but he felt like a huge weight had been lifted off his chest. It also felt pretty good to be sitting close to Buck and not feel guilty. They weren’t overtly snuggly or anything but Eddie was leaning into Buck as they watched Finding Dory for the hundredth time with Chris. And Buck had an arm around Eddie keeping him close. 

Once Chris started dozing off Buck offered to put him to bed and Eddie smiled. 

When Buck returned from Chris’s room he looked a little more unsure of himself. “So, Uh, should I…I should…”

“Buck, you don’t have to go. We do have more to talk about anyway. Now that we don’t have small ears listening in. Unless you’d rather—”

“I’d love to stay. And you’re right, we should talk. Well, talk more.”

“Beer?”

Buck laughed, “Yeah. Sure.”

Eddie grabbed each of them a beer and motioned to the living room. Once settled on the couch Eddie sighed, “So, I know I said we needed to talk but I’m not sure where we should start.” Eddie took a long swig of his drink. 

Buck gently took one of Eddie’s hands in his, “How bout..why we both seemed to feel afraid to tell each other we had feelings in the first place?”

“You’re suggestion, you wanna start?”

Buck laughed, “Fine.” He took a deep breath, “Like I said earlier, I…no one’s ever…stuck around with me. Romantically. And you and Chris…you guys make me so happy I just…I guess I didn’t want to jeopardize that and risk losing you guys like I’ve lost everyone else.” Buck paused a moment, almost like he was carefully thinking of what to say. “With the lawsuit…I know I said it was to get back to my job, my family. But deep down I guess I was scared that if I wasn’t a firefighter, if I didn’t have your back everyday, that we wouldn’t have time for each other and I’d slowly lose you guys. You and Chris. It wasn’t about the whole team. I mean it was a little bit but it was mostly…well. Not. Because it already sort of happened while I was on medical leave. It felt like I hardly saw you guys and I felt like there was this hollow spot that just kept getting bigger and bigger the more I didn’t get to be with you and Chris. I didn’t realize how much you guys meant to me until I felt like I was losing you and I’m so sorry , Eddie. And before you start, I know we’ve been through this but I never meant to hurt you. Or Chris. God I cried practically that whole night after we had that grocery store fight. Because I hurt my Superman. It made me realize though how that lawsuit really wasn’t getting me back to you. And how much I actually love you. But we weren’t good yet so I couldn’t just tell you that…at least that’s how I felt.”

Eddie looked softly at Buck. He could understand. And he also understood it was now his turn. “I became pretty dependent on you and I don’t just mean with Chris. Without you, without being able to talk to you, spend time with you, I apparently spiral.” Eddie gave a hollow laugh. “I said I was afraid of losing you. But I was also afraid I wouldn’t be good enough. That I wouldn’t be enough. I wasn’t enough for Shannon…I don’t feel like I’m enough for Chris…how could I be enough for you? That’s how I’d lose you. Because I wouldn’t be enough. We made something, Buck, something that scares me because I feel closer to you than I have anyone else. Even Shannon. There’s this level of vulnerability I feel with you and that terrifies me but also…doesn’t. Because it’s you. And I feel safe with you. You’re my best friend. But you’re also so much more.” Buck squeezed his hand tightly and when Eddie looked at Buck he could see tears falling down his slightly flush cheeks. 

”For the record, you will always be enough. Do you remember the old gay couple we couldn’t save, who were about to celebrate their anniversary. Thomas, he told me that you don’t find love, you make it. And I guess I feel like we did that. We feel like a family.” 

“That’s because we are a family.” Eddie brushed away some of the tears on Buck’s cheeks. “Why does this feel so natural.” Eddie hadn’t meant to say that out loud but Buck didn’t seem to mind. 

Buck laughed, “Because, we built something. And we kinda have been in each other’s space like all the time anyway.” He paused, brows crinkling in thought. “Hey, how come you never told me you weren’t exactly straight? Or am I an exception?” He smirked as he said that last part. 

Eddie gave a small laugh. “Well I don’t know. It never really came up. Plus I was still married so I guess…” he shrugged. “Plus I grew up in a catholic household in Texas and was in the army during don’t ask don’t tell. It’s not something I just naturally offer up. What’s your excuse?”

Buck gave a look of surprise, “Ah. Well. I really haven’t been all that interested in men since high school so I guess it never occurred to me either.” He gave a shy laugh, “And I kinda didn’t think I’d have a chance with you so I didn’t think bringing it up would matter. Then everything went crazy and it was never the right time. And then here we are.” Buck have another shy look before continuing, “So…what does this make us? Like, boyfriends? I mean we are exclusive, right?” 

Eddie smiled softly, “Boyfriend sounds a little weird considering we act like more of a married couple than some married couples but technically speaking, yes Buck. Boyfriends. And I’d say more than exclusive because I don’t think there would be anyone else for me out there, Buck. Not after we built what we did.”

Buck’s smile grew wide, “Do we…do we tell…uh. Anyone?”

“Would you be mad if I said just Chris for now? I’d like us to figure out us, as an actual couple, before we involve everyone.”

Buck shook his head, “I actually kind of like that idea. But, we work with some pretty smart people. What if they figure it out?”

“Then they figure it out.” 

Buck laughed. “Also, I’m pretty sure Chris already knows. He saw us kiss, Eddie.”

“Well, yeah. Shut up.” He shoved Buck lightly. “We didn’t explain much to him.” It was Eddie’s turn to pause with thinking brows. “How…would you feel about moving in? I mean it doesn’t have to be now, of course. But your lease is up in a few months right? And you DO spend a lot of time here already…I think in a few months we’d know how..” he motioned with his hands between him and Buck, “how this is working. If it is working, like we know it will, would you…would you want to move in?” Eddie’s face felt hot. Maybe that was too much. 

“I…I’d love that.” 

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.” He leaned in to kiss Eddie, this time taking his time. He was practically in Eddie’s lap by the time they stopped for air. Buck laughed resting his forehead on Eddie’s. “Wow. So uh. How slow are we going to take things?”

Eddie laughed, smirking slightly. “I don’t know. Let’s just see what happens. However, for tonight I’d say we stop there. I’m honestly exhausted. But I’d love if you didn’t sleep on the couch.” Eddie felt his face heat up again. He was not good at this. 

“I would love to be the big spoon if that’s what your offering.” Buck was giving him the cockiest grin. 

“What makes you think you’re the big spoon?” Eddie shoved at his chest playfully. 

Still smirking at Eddie, “Call it a hunch.”

Eddie laughed. “Whatever, Buckley. I’m going to bed.” 

Buck followed, as Eddie collapsed on his bed Buck went rummaging in his dresser. Eddie gave him a quizzical look. “What? Not like I brought anything to sleep in. I’m borrowing shorts. But I’ll forgo the shirt because you’re basically a radiator.” 

“You’re no air conditioner.”

“All the more reason to forgo the shirt. Maybe you should follow my example, Diaz.”

Eddie rolled his eyes but took his suggestion. Buck changed and joined Eddie in bed. And true to his word, Buck was the big spoon. And Eddie really couldn’t say he minded.


End file.
